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by Stefanie Coutinho, with Wendy Martin-Altemus
Most of my memories of my parents include my dad and his drinking problem. Because he was an alcoholic, my mother wanted to divorce him. She gave him many chances, but he wouldn't stop drinking. When the divorce was finalizing, my dad couldn't handle it, and took my mother's life and his own.
There were a lot of buried hurts and unresolved issues in my heart and mind about the murder. I was always angry with God and often asked "why, why, why?" Why did He allow this to happen to me and my sisters? It's like walking around with a question that you want answered so badly, but you're too afraid to ask your family and too afraid of the answer.
The Road to Discovery
My three sisters and I moved in with our grandparents. When I was 12 I moved in with Karen, my middle sister, who was 19. Karen was into the modeling business and I tagged along while she took modeling classes. I was "discovered" one afternoon as I was waiting outside on the curb for my sister.
Though modeling wasn't a dream of mine, it eventually became one. When I was offered an opportunity to go to Paris at age 17, that was inspiration enough for me! I fell in love with traveling. I loved experiencing other cultures and places. Besides, what a better life more money could offer! I was driven by the goal to make enough money so that my sisters and I could live well.
First Stop -- Europe
My friend Shelly and I packed enough for a three-month stay in Paris and shared a room in a hotel room that was the size of a postage stamp. We weren't complaining - it was a blast! We met with clients all over the city. We were handed a subway map by our agent and were expected to learn how to get around on our own.
I started experimenting more with smoking cigarettes, pot, ecstasy and drinking while in Paris. Alcohol became my drug of choice. Drinking took away my fear of being shy or anxious. I could keep my cool and still feel on top of the world. It was all in the name of fun but I started suffering anxiety attacks and became depressed. Eventually I left Paris and went home to Texas to recover.
But I had a hard time relating to old friends that I hung out with before. Here I was 18, just back from Europe with a lot of modeling experience, and they were graduating from high school. I just couldn't relate, so I started going to bars and hanging out with an older crowd. I started drinking again.
New York, New York
A few years later, coming home to Texas for the holidays, I had a long layover in New York. I visited an agency and they asked me to stay for awhile and see clients. They offered me a contract on the spot! "Oh boy, this is big time," I thought. "I cannot fail." I stayed in New York City for three years. And I did very well. I was getting more bookings than ever and working for top magazines.
I found a new boyfriend and I fell madly in love. We moved in together immediately. We both shared the same dream of being successful at our careers. I didn't drink so much because I had found a new addiction -- a relationship. Also, I didn't want to mess up my career. I got more serious about work. I knew that if I could make it in New York, in no time I'd go from being a working model and new face to a supermodel. I really believed that. I was headed in that direction.
I thought my life was perfect.
My portfolio was at its best. I did my first national advertisement when I was 20, which paid more for one day than I usually made in six months! There was nothing stopping me now. "This is it," I thought. And you know what? That was it, that was it. It was hard, tiring work, and I had to deal with people treating me like an object instead of a person. I fought to have some sort of respect.
I became depressed, I cried a lot. My perfect life was becoming a living hell. I had time getting out bed. My boyfriend said I should quit. Quit? Quitting was not in my vocabulary. I couldn't imagine throwing the cards down after years of building up to this point. "Quit and do what?" I wondered. Modeling was all I knew.
Soon after my boyfriend told me he was in love with his ex-girlfriend. I became suicidal. I started smoking two packs a day, drinking to kill the pain of breaking-up, and going out with men that I didn't care about. It was becoming unbearable. I lost hope, and I lost self-respect.
New Route: The Road to Recovery
At that time in my life, I didn't have a whole lot going for me. I'd moved back home to Texas without much - whatever fit in my truck was what I brought back with me. I was barely getting by, and didn't really care. I had lost hope until someone who I worked with invited me to an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting.
From that first AA meeting I went to another, and then another, and so on. I realized that the stories the people in there were telling sounded a lot like mine. At first I fought it. I thought, "I'm not a bum on the street, I can't be an alcoholic!" But I learned that most people who are alcoholics are people who hold jobs, and don't show any obvious signs. Alcoholism, along with other substance addictions are progressive. There comes a point of no return though, and I didn't want to go there. Losing my parents over addiction was enough for me.
I finally woke up after sitting in enough meetings. In my first thirty days of sobriety I went to three meetings a day. I didn't share a whole lot in meetings, just listened mostly. Listening is what I needed to do. I decided this program was for me and stayed. I didn't care if I decided if I was a 'real alcoholic' or not, the steps were working and my life was getting better! Before I knew it I had people cheering me on for 30, 60, and 90 days of sobriety.
My use of alcohol was only a symptom of a deeper problem. I had to stop covering my problems up with alcohol, sex, relationships, and many other things. Going to AA meetings gave me tools for living. Not just how to deal with staying sober, but real life stuff. I got really serious about my sobriety, and even quit smoking. It was one step at a time. Not just one quick fix.
Finding a Father
So there is where my journey to healing began. Once all of the chemicals were out of my system I could really deal with my God issues. I went to church with the person who invited me to AA. It was Father's day. The message was on how those of us who had poor examples of earthly fathers often view God in the same way. I felt like someone wrote that message just for me! I was relieved to know there is a God who is loving, and wants to know me. That brought up a lot of unanswered questions too. I was angry as well.
I had tried it all. I sought beauty, relationships, fame, feeling good and being cool to fill the hole inside of me. I was just a hurting individual desperately wanting acceptance and love. I found that with a loving God who cares for me. No matter how hard I tried different things, nothing satisfied me until I accepted Jesus into my life
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
This life story is brought to you by Paradox.
Related Reading:
Learning to Love My Body
My Life as a London Model
Love Your Body