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by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
My husband has a daughter from his previous marriage. His daughter and I have always had a great relationship, but recently everything did a 180 degree turn.
Her mom dropped her off at our house on Friday and my step-daughter started sobbing. Later, her mom said that she just wanted to come to our house for a few hours on our weekends. She told us that she had never felt comfortable with us and that she hated it at our house.
I just can't believe this all came up so suddenly. Her mom is going to take her to a counselor but is this something that is common? I refuse to believe she has always hated it with us. I always thought everything was great and now to be blind-sided by this and she can't even give us any specifics.
This is very troubling for you and your husband but, it is obvious that his daughter is going through a traumatic time in her life. For some reason she may be going through separation-anxiety. I would suggest that you and your husband see a counselor to work through the feelings and rejection you are feeling. You can find a counselor at www.aacc.net.
You can't do anything at this time to help your step-daughter. You don't know what she is experiencing during the times she is away from you. She sounds deeply troubled and needs counseling. I would suggest that at some point you ask to see her counselor with her once she has been in counseling for awhile. The counselor may be able to act as a mediator and advocate to help restore your relationship.
Don't push yourselves on this girl. But, make sure you let her know you want to see her when she feels ready. Call her at least once a week and write to her. This will give her reassurance that you care and aren't forgetting about her.
She doesn't understand what she is doing or why she is having these symptoms. Something has occurred to make her feel depressed and anxious. She may now be regressing and feeling symptoms from the divorce. She may be feeling very angry towards her father (your husband) because of the divorce. Hang in there. Read about children of divorced parents to help you understand her. I hope you find this helpful.
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor and National Certified Counselor, author and speaker. She is the Executive Chair of the Chicagoland CBWC: Connecting Business Women to Christ organization. Lynette is co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. providing online & office counseling for individuals, couples and families. Lynette regularly presents marriage, assertiveness, grief and divorce recovery, anger and stress management seminars.
Read Lynette Hoy's book, What's Good About Anger? It can be ordered online at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com or Amazon.com. Visit Mrs. Hoy's other sites: www.hoyweb.com, www.counselcareconnection.org, www.lifecareweb.com.
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC