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by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPCHave you been hurt by someone?We would like to talk to you
I am a 16 year old girl who just left a relationship with my boyfriend. I was in love with him and had been dating him for four months until we broke up. The break-up was caused by a phone call from my best friend who admitted that she had sex with my boyfriend 2 months before. Of course this devastated me because we had agreed that we were going to wait until marriage.
Now I feel so betrayed not only by my ex-boyfriend, but also but my friend (I have known her since 2nd grade and was like my sister). I do not know if I can ever forgive my ex, but I do know that I will never take him back. As for my friend, I still do not know about her. I really miss having a best friend though and I do not know how to get through this. If you could please give me some advice on how to get through this, I would really appreciate it.
Dear A,
Thank you for writing. This is a real predicament for you. But, I think that the decision you have made is the correct one.
You have wanted to remain pure before marriage and your boyfriend committed to this – but, he has broken the promise and has been sexually intimate with your friend. This truly is a heart breaking event. He has shown his character though and most likely, this is a clue that he never intended to be faithful to his promise to remain pure nor to be faithful to you.
What to do?
You can forgive him and go back to him. But, it will be hard to trust him and hard to believe his promises to change.
You can go on with your life and stop seeing him. This incident is most likely a prediction of the future – that he will not remain faithful to you and will not commit to sexual purity. In light of this, you can turn your life over to God and let Him lead you to the man He wants you to marry – a man with character, integrity and who can be trusted to be faithful.
If you do this – you will grieve – but, it will be worth following God’s will for your life and eventually, marrying the man He has for you versus someone who has betrayed you and may betray you again.
You are worth being in relationship with someone who will love you enough to protect you, protect your purity, be concerned about your feelings, be faithful to you. It’s important to believe that you have dignity and that you shouldn’t be treated this way. If you don’t – if you continue in the relationship – you are setting yourself up for more heart-aches and deceitfulness.
What does God want you to do? Sure, you need to forgive your boyfriend and your friend. But, you don’t need to continue to be in relationship with either of them. Forgiveness does not require that you stay close to someone who has broken your trust so deeply. Actually, once you find out about a person’s character defects – it’s important to protect yourself from them – to set boundaries so they can’t hurt you again. Read about Advice: Codependency & Boundaries and FAQ's -Does Forgiveness Mean No Consequences?
You may want to stop dating altogether until you are older and ready to marry because sex is such a temptation for teens and singles. I know a lot of teens and singles now who have stopped dating and are socializing in groups of Christian friends instead. It sounds like your relationship is a very serious one since you have been dating for 7 months. Since you are only 16 and not wanting, even fearing getting involved physically, you might want to stop the "dating" scene completely. Have you read the Christian books I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris or Finding True Love by Josh McDowell, etc.?
You can order either book right now. You might want to challenge other Christian friends to read these books so you can support each other to live by the guidelines promoted by these authors.
Inform yourself of the consequences of engaging in premarital sex. You must already know the many harmful consequences of falling into sexual immorality: besides sinning against God and feeling alienated from Him, there are sexually transmitted diseases, HIV/AIDS (which is deadly); pregnancy, psychological turmoil, and couples breaking up over it.
I had someone in my office recently who contracted herpes from her boyfriend. Herpes is a painful and incurable sexually transmitted disease which will plague her for the rest of her life. She feels like her life is over at age 23 and that she will never be able to have
another relationship because of it.The psychological and spiritual turmoil that comes after one has committed sexual immorality has very detrimental effects on one's life.
Build your self-esteem and identity. Low self-esteem can make you compromise your standards and values just to be liked or loved by someone. It can keep you from doing what you really want to do- which is to please the Lord.
Marriage is a long way off... you need to find out who you are, grow in Christ and protect yourself from harm. You need to build your self-esteem so you know who you are and what you want in a man. I suggest reading The Search for Significance by Robert McGee
Read also about: How to Know God Personally and The Power of Forgiveness and Advice:Sexual temptation and When is the Right Person Going to Come into My Life?
I hope you will learn something about people from this crisis in your life and find guidance and strength from God to help you get on with your life! God bless you!
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor and National Certified Counselor, author and speaker. She is the Executive Chair of the Chicagoland CBWC: Connecting Business Women to Christ organization. Lynette is co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. providing online & office counseling for individuals, couples and families. Lynette regularly presents marriage, assertiveness, grief and divorce recovery, anger and stress management seminars.
Read Lynette Hoy's book, What's Good About Anger? It can be ordered online at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com or Amazon.com. Visit Mrs. Hoy's other sites: www.hoyweb.com, www.counselcareconnection.org, www.lifecareweb.com.
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