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My husband thinks I am possessive. He pushed and beat me because I could not control my anger and I said some bad things about his parents and brothers. My right hand is broken. My husband changes when his folks are around and always wants to give money to his brothers and parents. He ignores me and his kids when his folks are around. I don’t even know if he loves me anymore.
Dear Friend, you are being physically abused and you need to get help and get an order of protection so your husband will no longer be a threat to you.
What can you do now?
1. Protect Yourself and any children. Get counseling and advocacy by contacting a domestic violence agency near you. If you live in the
File an order of protection against your husband in the court. An Order For Protection (OFP) is a court order that will help to protect you from domestic abuse. An Order For Protection tells the abuser to stop harming or threatening you.
This physical abuse inflicted on you needs to be reported to the police and a domestic violence agency. Your husband is a batterer. Battering is a crime. It is a pattern of behavior which often uses the threat of or the use of violence. Battering occurs when individuals try to take control of the other partner through intimidation, emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, male privilege, isolation which results in fear and intimidation. One person believes they are entitled to control another.
Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes. "The perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent. Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one of the following categories:
-Physical Battering - The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.
- Sexual Abuse - Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.
- Psychological Battering -The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.
"Battering has little to do with what the women do or don't do, what they say or don't say. It is the batter's responsibility- and his alone- to stop being abusive. . . . Battering is not just physical aggression, but physical aggression that serves a function. That function is control." From: When Men Batter Women by Gottman and Jacobsen
"Battering escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons. "
Resource: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
2. Stabilize in a safe environment. Do all that you can to live in a safe residence so, you can begin to experience peace in your life vs. fear.
3. Move forward with your life. God does not want you harmed. You need faith. You need spiritual strength and focus. You need to know that the God of the universe cares about you and your situation. Read about How to Know God Personally (link to JOJ). Order a book to help your faith grow such as: An Anchor for the Soul: Help for the Present, Hope for the Future by Ray Pritchard.
4. Grow personally and spiritually. Learn assertiveness skills and how to set boundaries in relationships. Order the online course Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Asserting Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower.
5. Get support. The domestic violence agency may have a support group you can participate in. A group like this can give you perspective on your situation, hope for the future and help you learn skills to protect yourself. Ask your pastor for guidance regarding a separation. Seek support and guidance in a Divorce Care Group.
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor and National Certified Counselor, author and speaker. She is the Executive Chair of the Chicagoland CBWC: Connecting Business Women to Christ organization. Lynette is co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. providing online & office counseling for individuals, couples and families. Lynette regularly presents marriage, assertiveness, grief and divorce recovery, anger and stress management seminars.
Read Lynette Hoy's book, What's Good About Anger? It can be ordered online at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com or Amazon.com.
Visit Mrs. Hoy's other sites: www.hoyweb.com , www.counselcareconnection.org , www.cbwc.net , www.lifecareweb.com.