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by Lynette Hoy
Dear Counselor: My fiancé/boyfriend and I are having problems. We both have faced problems in the past, but I feel we are on the right track now. We are engaged, but now he is saying that he just wants to be friends because of complications from a previous relationship. I just can't understand this. His past marriage was a mistake, but he is legally divorced and there are no children involved. I love him so much, can this be the end for us?
Dear Friend:
If your fiancé is having reservations about getting married then it is best to delay it and remain friends until both of you feel ready to marry. Too many people rush into marriage ill-equipped for the work, effort and endurance it will take to make a relationship healthy and satisfying. Think about all the areas partners need to develop in a marriage: building intimacy mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically; building mutual decision-making, understanding, communication; managing conflicts, in-laws & finances; loving each other despite the faults and differences experienced. These create great challenges and stresses in couple's lives. If any of these areas are short-circuited then the relationship will encounter great difficulties.
Both of you need to grow stronger both spiritually and emotionally. Use this time to grow stronger personally. Ernest Hemingway wrote: “The world breaks everyone... but afterward many are strong in the broken places.” You can take time to discover what characteristics are needed for you to build healthy relationships. You can learn to keep going and if the relationship ends – to grieve the loss. Read about grief and loss.
Look for ways to move forward. Get involved in activities which will bring you satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. Reach out for support from those you are close to during this time in your life. Seek to grow in a relationship with God. Discover the purpose God has for you in life. It’s possible the relationship may still work out – but, you can’t live your life hoping that it will. Be realistic about the choice he is making right now.
Take a look at what I have written in some of the faq's on our web site regarding: marriage and take the marriage inventory Read some of my answers to the people who write about marriage problems in my advice column.
Since he has stated that he only wants to be just friends right now, then you have no choice but to accept that and not dispute him. If you argue with him about it and pursue him then he will probably become more resistant to you. If the two of you are supposed to be together, it will be clear to you both.
Consider reading the following books:
1. Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner by Neil Clark Warren
2. Relationships : An Open and Honest Guide to Making Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships Great
by Les Parrott, Leslie Parrott
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor and National Certified Counselor, author and speaker. She is the Executive Chair of the Chicagoland CBWC: Connecting Business Women to Christ organization. Lynette is co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. providing online & office counseling for individuals, couples and families. Lynette regularly presents marriage, assertiveness, grief and divorce recovery, anger and stress management seminars.
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Read Lynette Hoy's book, What's Good About Anger? It can be ordered online at:www.whatsgoodaboutanger.comor Amazon.com.
Visit Mrs. Hoy's other sites: www.hoyweb.com, www.counselcareconnection.org, www.cbwc.net , www.lifecareweb.com.