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I am becoming very miserable in my marriage. My husband drinks and it has been a problem for a long time. He spouts out obscenities and accuses me of having an affair, calls me obscene names and tells me he'll take away my daughters (in front of them). All of this over some irrelevant disagreement or reproach from me–how do you have time to have a beer, but no time to start dinner for the girls? I know we need help and he'll admit he should stop drinking. What should I do? Sometimes its hard for me to even consider this a marriage.
More to the point, why do you stay in this relationship? Is there something else he does well? You need to find an Alanon group immediately and go at least 6 times before thinking about whether you like it or not. Also go to your book store and look at the Recovery section and get a couple books on Alcoholic Behaviour, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics; see why you stay in the relationship and what it is doing to your children growing up in that environment, and how you let him intimidate you into trying to make you stay. It is a sick relationship and if you can't make it better, you need to get out. After you have a lot more understanding about the disease, you will then be able to tell him, "I love you but I won't live like this. Either you change or we leave." But you need support and understanding before you make that kind of move. Call your local AA group find out when the support groups meet and go buy books and let me know how it goes.
Dr. Ginger Gabriel, Ph.D., M.F.T., is an author and speaker as well as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. With Master of Arts degrees in counseling and missions and a Ph.D. in psychology, she has traveled to Asia, the Middle East and throughout North American giving her four-to fifteen-hour relationship and counseling skill-building seminars.
Her favorite pastimes are kayaking, quilting, hiking and reading novels. She is married to Dr. Stan Gabriel. They have three children and three grandchildren.